Water jugs...

Today I threw away, well recycled, my “hospital” water jugs. Most of you know what I mean…the plastic water glasses that they give you while in the clink, that you take home and eventually have a plethora of. Well today, I let them go.

This was a big deal for me. First of all, they’re terribly convenient. They have measurements printed on them so you can tell how much water you’ve consumed. Which, for me, is important. I have to consume an obscene amount of water, being sans colon and all. Second, they represent a horrible time in my life. They “conveniently” have the name of the hospital printed on them, so every time I look at one, I am taken back to that time when life seemed at it’s worst. I am reminded of the pain and uncertainty that took up my days.

It’s funny, I had never even thought about it before. They were just part of my life. But, as my family and I are getting settled into our new home and life, I looked at them. I was going to wash and stash them as usual. Then, I thought, why? I don’t NEED them. Why am I hanging on to them? That period in my life was over 3 years ago, and it’s NOT my life anymore. So, I let them go. I want to leave that chapter in my life behind me.

I’m amazed at how something that seems so insignificant can actually mean a great deal. I wonder what other “things” I’ll discover that remind of that time?

For those of you who are wondering if I have a new water jug, I indeed do! I bought it at a gas station in Washburn, WI. It has “Holiday” printed in bright red letters on the side. Even thought it’s the name of the gas station, I find it a nice reminder that each new day that I am blessed to live, it’s a jolly holiday.

So, today I finally got to see my pain management specialist. It was good to see her, but frustrating because I had to recap the last 8 months for her in about 5 minutes. After dishing it all out to her, she came to a brilliant conclusion about my pain. I am under too much stress. She kinda chuckled when she told me this because it always seems to be her answer. 

Me? Stressed? How ever did she figure that out? Was it the fact that I am in horrid pain 24/7? Or the fact that the hubs has been without a job since the beginning of January? Or the fact that my jpouch has never acted right, and causes problems in my daily life? What was the dead give away on that one? I had even told her that I have one foot in the ER door because the pain and pouch are so bad. She told me that going to the hospital would only add to my stress, and I should stay home and rest. Rest? At home? Good one. 

She also suggested that I go to therapy or their yoga for pain patients. Those are both great suggestions. There are a couple problems, however. One, I am broke. Two, when I am this tired, I am terrified to drive. Not only am I tired from lack of sleep, but I am also narcoleptic. I have fallen asleep behind the wheel before. It's very scary. So, I am a prisoner at home for more than one reason.

I feel like I am in the midst of this cycle that I can't escape. I can't plan for anything. I try not to look forward to things. I am stuck.